I just had this absolute realization of what a horrible parent I was. Not a good feeling. The kids deserved so much more than I could give them growing up. Goddess this sucks..

why I all of a sudden balked about going to Cheryl's I don't know..beyond that I was hot, slightly nauseous, and tired. manda is pissed but she'll get over it. I never spend any time with her, well no, neither her nor her brother call any more. Uncle Perv died..good now my aunt can have a life. I love her and she gets me, but now that he's gone, our relationship can be better without that dark cloud hanging over our heads. It was what it was..ain't it always?

God you're a pain in the ass. You make my insides shrivel. I feel my small intestine crawl up in my belly. Do you know that you're the author of this pain? I bet you do. Better yet I bet you don't give a shit do you? I didn't think so. Just every once in a while when you drop in unannounced, (as usual). I see the beautiful, I do. I get the vibe, beyond what anyone can possibly fathom. But it doesn't matter anyway, does it? You're so long gone, so vacant, so just a ghost from the past, a vacuum, a black hole in the center of my life. Why? You make me so intrinsically sad. So very empty inside. My own twinsoul, rejecting me on the most fundamental of levels.. You think I made so very many demands, when I made none. You think I wanted something that you couldn't possibly give me, when I never asked. You ASSUMED soooo very damn much that you just up and knifed me again, straight through the heart. And again, you don't give a flying shit, that I'm here, alone, ruined for any man for the rest of my mortal time on earth. Do you know the guys at work still give me a hard time about you? But again, why should you give a fuck. No one else does, so why should you be any different. You're a coward. A piece of living shit. A sniveling shell of a man, that has no fucking clue what he wants. And yet, that's where it's at. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. I'm so utterly alone, you have no idea. Most of the time I'm really really good with that, the rest, all I can do is curse you unto the ethers. Until we meet again...and again...and again....

don't be dickrickulous...just struck me that's all..

So the idea of gettin' rid of almost everything I own, and paring down to life's essentials, pulling up stakes and setting up camp on Chris's property is sounding more than appealing. It sounds like heaven at this point. I"ll have alot of work to do around this place. Repair and clean mostly, throwing away most everything that's rot especially. It's time. And it's time to live for ME. Not the kids, not some idiot male..just me..and my familiars (friends included lol). Its time...

Oh la..what to do what to do..Aaron, what the hell are you thinking? More likely than not you're not thinking. This i just shit pure and simple shit. I'm so disapointed, devastated, depressed. Thanks Mike for all the help with your son. Another sad sack of shit there. Great, now what Grand Goddess? Amanda of course is no help at all. I'm about ready to pitch it all out the window and go live in thewoods.

who'd a thought that I'd look more forward to parking my ass in front of farmville than going out on a saturday nite with Steve? Ahhhh bliss to type my thoughts alone. Had fun at Indiafest with Brucifer. Got the absolute kewlest tshirt with Ganesh on it. Obstacles to overcome. Absolutely and practically always. Cold colder and coldest. But it's feb so it's ok. The jack'd neighbor is an absolute asshole. Don't really want to go back to work, but must, and oh yes, unless we forget , to all the dickheads I've loved before..so many, such a waste of time. I've learned my lessons, believe me. Painfully. They all seem to have one thing in common, out of all the differences, in the end they all believed that somehow they were 'superior' to me, because of my femaleness. Boy have I got news for you bruther.. They all wanted to suck the life out of me figuratively and literally. A few boys I remember fondly, but by and large the entire lot of them deserve one another. Let them drive each other mad, if not as bonkshit as they drove me. And I'm the fucking asshole...that's right baby, and you have no conscious clue of how much a one I can really be.

Playing the fish in fishworld..it's worse than crack..wow where to start..it's 430am wide awake doing laundry. Mike left and while frankly I could care less it pisses me off that he's ditched his son AGAIN. What a fucking loser. Speaking of losers, past few days have been so very kind to remind me of all the losers that I've wasted my precious time here on earth on. Work is work, and life is life, can't believe I went all over the place on VV. Maybe I'm the biggest loser of them all.

Hmmm why can't I just keep my big trap shut? here we go again on facebook. Well you know what? They want to put it out there thenI'm going to respond in my fashion..it's a free fucking world. Yeah and if I did have a nickel for every moment wasted on clowns I'd be a rich bitch...

oh what to do...I cannot have this kid treating my grandchildren so horribly. I might have to resort to other measures...

gonna get ready for work..should be a long tiring day..lol. Figure it all out from there..

I owe I owe it's off to work I go..starting to get the house back in order..wheww

playn hookey today..woohoot

oh ok..whatever..

Well..that's a nice how do youdo...Manda is shackin' up with the boy toy and moving out. Not a word not a fuck off it's been real not nothing. I swear if that kid does anything to those babies I'm gonna strangle him and her. I am really pissed about this morning. For christs sake he's a little boy having a melt down..(of course that's my fault my stomping around in the morning wakes up the kids so I've been told). Let's see I've bent over backwards and pretty much have gotten slapped in the face..par for the course for Amanda. Spoiled selfish bitch. But you can't tell her anything. Just accept her shit attitude, her shit mouth and live with it. Well when she can't make the bills (which is exactly what will happen) I ain't bailing her out again..

ahhh yes the old 'you're disrespectful and talk too much' routine..that's what all men say to women they can't control...you're right guys, I AM disrespectful (show some respect and I'll guarantee you get some in return) and I might talk too much but that's after listening to the lies, the bullshit, the whining, the games, the aggravation, and the complaints that you NEVER EVER do anything about. Just a thought...

Hi ho let's go...why the hell do you keep coming up in conversation? You are a royal pain in the ass you know this right? For fuck's sake be a man..

back to the grind..get off your butt and go to work Pineda! lol

back from vacation..good time in Ft. Myers and Captiva..got back just in time before Steve started his crap which he started this morning. Oh well, whatever. Going to go see my horsie poo

off to the Fort of Myers!!!!!! WHOOOHOOOOOT!!!!!!!!