I just had this absolute realization of what a horrible parent I was. Not a good feeling. The kids deserved so much more than I could give them growing up. Goddess this sucks..

why I all of a sudden balked about going to Cheryl's I don't know..beyond that I was hot, slightly nauseous, and tired. manda is pissed but she'll get over it. I never spend any time with her, well no, neither her nor her brother call any more. Uncle Perv died..good now my aunt can have a life. I love her and she gets me, but now that he's gone, our relationship can be better without that dark cloud hanging over our heads. It was what it was..ain't it always?

God you're a pain in the ass. You make my insides shrivel. I feel my small intestine crawl up in my belly. Do you know that you're the author of this pain? I bet you do. Better yet I bet you don't give a shit do you? I didn't think so. Just every once in a while when you drop in unannounced, (as usual). I see the beautiful, I do. I get the vibe, beyond what anyone can possibly fathom. But it doesn't matter anyway, does it? You're so long gone, so vacant, so just a ghost from the past, a vacuum, a black hole in the center of my life. Why? You make me so intrinsically sad. So very empty inside. My own twinsoul, rejecting me on the most fundamental of levels.. You think I made so very many demands, when I made none. You think I wanted something that you couldn't possibly give me, when I never asked. You ASSUMED soooo very damn much that you just up and knifed me again, straight through the heart. And again, you don't give a flying shit, that I'm here, alone, ruined for any man for the rest of my mortal time on earth. Do you know the guys at work still give me a hard time about you? But again, why should you give a fuck. No one else does, so why should you be any different. You're a coward. A piece of living shit. A sniveling shell of a man, that has no fucking clue what he wants. And yet, that's where it's at. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. I'm so utterly alone, you have no idea. Most of the time I'm really really good with that, the rest, all I can do is curse you unto the ethers. Until we meet again...and again...and again....

don't be dickrickulous...just struck me that's all..

So the idea of gettin' rid of almost everything I own, and paring down to life's essentials, pulling up stakes and setting up camp on Chris's property is sounding more than appealing. It sounds like heaven at this point. I"ll have alot of work to do around this place. Repair and clean mostly, throwing away most everything that's rot especially. It's time. And it's time to live for ME. Not the kids, not some idiot male..just me..and my familiars (friends included lol). Its time...

Oh la..what to do what to do..Aaron, what the hell are you thinking? More likely than not you're not thinking. This i just shit pure and simple shit. I'm so disapointed, devastated, depressed. Thanks Mike for all the help with your son. Another sad sack of shit there. Great, now what Grand Goddess? Amanda of course is no help at all. I'm about ready to pitch it all out the window and go live in thewoods.

who'd a thought that I'd look more forward to parking my ass in front of farmville than going out on a saturday nite with Steve? Ahhhh bliss to type my thoughts alone. Had fun at Indiafest with Brucifer. Got the absolute kewlest tshirt with Ganesh on it. Obstacles to overcome. Absolutely and practically always. Cold colder and coldest. But it's feb so it's ok. The jack'd neighbor is an absolute asshole. Don't really want to go back to work, but must, and oh yes, unless we forget , to all the dickheads I've loved before..so many, such a waste of time. I've learned my lessons, believe me. Painfully. They all seem to have one thing in common, out of all the differences, in the end they all believed that somehow they were 'superior' to me, because of my femaleness. Boy have I got news for you bruther.. They all wanted to suck the life out of me figuratively and literally. A few boys I remember fondly, but by and large the entire lot of them deserve one another. Let them drive each other mad, if not as bonkshit as they drove me. And I'm the fucking asshole...that's right baby, and you have no conscious clue of how much a one I can really be.