I just had this absolute realization of what a horrible parent I was. Not a good feeling. The kids deserved so much more than I could give them growing up. Goddess this sucks..

why I all of a sudden balked about going to Cheryl's I don't know..beyond that I was hot, slightly nauseous, and tired. manda is pissed but she'll get over it. I never spend any time with her, well no, neither her nor her brother call any more. Uncle Perv died..good now my aunt can have a life. I love her and she gets me, but now that he's gone, our relationship can be better without that dark cloud hanging over our heads. It was what it was..ain't it always?

God you're a pain in the ass. You make my insides shrivel. I feel my small intestine crawl up in my belly. Do you know that you're the author of this pain? I bet you do. Better yet I bet you don't give a shit do you? I didn't think so. Just every once in a while when you drop in unannounced, (as usual). I see the beautiful, I do. I get the vibe, beyond what anyone can possibly fathom. But it doesn't matter anyway, does it? You're so long gone, so vacant, so just a ghost from the past, a vacuum, a black hole in the center of my life. Why? You make me so intrinsically sad. So very empty inside. My own twinsoul, rejecting me on the most fundamental of levels.. You think I made so very many demands, when I made none. You think I wanted something that you couldn't possibly give me, when I never asked. You ASSUMED soooo very damn much that you just up and knifed me again, straight through the heart. And again, you don't give a flying shit, that I'm here, alone, ruined for any man for the rest of my mortal time on earth. Do you know the guys at work still give me a hard time about you? But again, why should you give a fuck. No one else does, so why should you be any different. You're a coward. A piece of living shit. A sniveling shell of a man, that has no fucking clue what he wants. And yet, that's where it's at. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. I'm so utterly alone, you have no idea. Most of the time I'm really really good with that, the rest, all I can do is curse you unto the ethers. Until we meet again...and again...and again....